Something Nobody Talks About ...

We're going to get a little sewious around here today.  I know, you can't take me sewious when I spell "sewious" like that but you always have to be a LITTLE silly.  Okay, well at least I do.

So what is it that I'm talking about that nobody talks about?  Post Partum.  Which, I'm not going to lie, I thought was a huge crock that women used after pregnancy to continue getting the attention they received during pregnancy or as a reason to make people feel sorry for them.  Not. true.  It is real and it is scary.  There are all different kinds of post partum that women can experience that include negative thoughts about themselves and/or their new baby however I didn't experience any of that.  What I experienced was post partum anxiety.  If any of you have ever experienced anxiety you know it's not fun.  It's actually terrifying.  And it's even scarier (I don't think that's a word ...) if you're not informed or have some idea that what you're experiencing is normal and WILL go away.  And truthfully, I don't know why women DON'T talk about this?  I've talked to a lot of my friends that have said they had some shape or form of PP but never told anyone about it.  Well, I don't know WHAT I would've done if I HADN'T voiced it to those closest to me.

Now I know most of you know the story of our little man's birth, so you know I was dealing with high blood pressure and had a C-Section as well.  Well, the first day I was supposed to be discharged they decided to keep me another night because my blood pressure was still higher than they'd like it to be.  The next day, when the doctor said I was cleared to go home, it hit me all of the sudden.  I was responsible for this little life.  For this precious angel of a blessing the Lord had given the Mister and I and there were going to be NO nurses to help me!  Plus, on top of that, I'd had a C-Section and wasn't as mobile as I'd like to be, I'd been on bedrest for the past 5 weeks and hadn't so much as moved from the bed to the bathroom and on top of all of that my blood pressure was still high, which I was expecting that problem to resolve as soon as I gave birth to Caleb.  But it hadn't.  And I (in my state of freak-outage) thought it never would.  What if I had a seizure (side effect of high BP) while caring for Caleb?  What if I had to continue with a bedrest-like schedule while caring for a newborn?  So I had, what I am guessing was a panic attack.  Which I'm now sure was the start of the PP anxiety.  They had to keep me a little later in the day to calm me down however we ended up being discharged and sent on our way.

When I got home my house didn't feel like home anymore.  Everything felt different, uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  At the same time I felt like I was a prisoner.  Not a prisoner in my house, but in my own skin.  I didn't know what was wrong with me, but all I knew was that this person wasn't me and it scared me.  I was also terrified that something was going to happen to my sweet baby boy.  I couldn't BELIEVE how much I loved this little person that I had physically never met before.  The kind of love that people always tell you about feeling but you can never understand until you have a child.  I also didn't want to be left alone, even for 30 minutes.  Nothing seemed normal to me anymore.  Things I used to love, shows I used to watch while on bedrest all seemed unfamiliar and strange.  I couldn't stand to have quiet, I always wanted the TV on or someone in the room with me.  And on top of it all I was in a constant state of anxiety.  Which I never knew felt like before, but I can only explain it to say it's like your body's on constant high alert.  Every peep Caleb made, every movement I was terrified there was something wrong.  I didn't want him further than 5 feet from me.  I stopped responding to people's phone calls, facebook posts and if you noticed, was pretty absent from blog world for awhile.  All of these things which aren't. me.  It was horrible.  The Mister deserves a medal.  The way he put up with me, and by put up with me I mean comforted me, consoled me and supported me, I will never be able to put into words.  I'm a lucky girl.  And speaking of lucky, during those 2 weeks my mom and MIL were here around the clock.  I was never by myself for more than 30 minutes and that was rare.  My mom got here about 10 minutes after the Mister would leave in the morning and then leave around 3:00-ish when my MIL would arrive until the Mister came home.  If it weren't for them I don't know what I would've done.

But first and foremost, the one thing that pulled me out of my PP anxiety was the Lord.  This was one of those times that I had to completely and totally rely on Jesus to pull me out of a dark and scary place.  And He did.  He came to my rescue in a mighty way.  When you come to a place, that you've never been before, a place that is dark and terrifying and unfamiliar.  A place where all you have is to cling to what you know is true.  And good.  And mighty.  All you can do is cling to Him.  And I did and He listened.  The Lord reached down and rescued me.  In the Bible it says "Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me."  Psalm 31:1-3 and "In your righteousness, rescue and deliver me; turn your ear to me and save me." Psalm 71:1-3.  And that's just what He did.

In the end, I came out of the PP anxiety after about 2 weeks.  I didn't take medication, however it was offered to me several times.  I knew that God could bring me out of it.  I knew He would come to my rescue as He has so many times before.  And He did.  PRAISE His name!

The reason I wanted to post about this was to let all you preggers mommas and mommas to be in the future know that this is out there.  And to be prepared.  And to TELL someone, don't just let it fester and feel like you are suffering all alone.  And that eventually, you will be okay.  Hormones are a crazy thing.  And by crazy I mean the "B" word.  Just cling to the Lord, HE will lift you "out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He will set your feet upon a rock and give you a firm place to stand."  Psalm 40: 1-3