WARNING: For New Parents ...

If you're a new parent you know that you spend the 1st year of your bundle of joy's life at the doctor. Two days after you get home from the hospital, then two weeks, then a month, then three months. And so on and so forth. By the nine month appointment you pretty much know the drill. Come in, measure the head, height, weight and then wait for the doc to come in and ask you all the usual questions. "Is he doing this? Is he doing that? How's he sleeping? How's he eating?" Do you have any questions?" And so on and so forth. At the six month appointment we got something that we hadn't gotten before. A check list, or questionnaire I guess you would call it. I think we just lucked out that time, C had been doing most if not all of the things they were touching upon so naturally I didn't think any different about this one (to be honest I straight up forgot about the pop quiz they sprung on us for the six month visit and the thought never crossed my mind that there could be one for the nine month visit, way to go mom). After we had the little guy's noggin' measured (well hello 90th percentile), length (29 inches: 75th - 90th percentile!?! WHAT?!? Seriously, whose kid is this?) and weight (21 lbs 2 oz.: 50th - 75th percentile - now that is DEFINITELY my child) they handed us the book with the pop quiz. We looked at it, SURE that our little man would ace every question and started through the list. It starts out pretty reasonable. Please keep in mind the possible answers are "yes", "sometimes" and "not yet":

1. Does your baby make sounds like "da, ba, ga and ka"? Yep. Check. Our kid can da da and ga ga with the best of 'em.

Followed by a few more questions about his da-ing and ga-ing abilities. We're good. Check, check.

4. If you ask him to, does your baby play at least one nursery game, even if you don't show him the activity yourself (i.e. "peek-a-boo, clap your hands, bye bye")? Must I torture you all and post the video again? The one with me making sounds only dogs can hear? Hopefully not. And yes, we've got a seasoned peek-a-boo'er on our hands.

5. Does your baby follow one simple command (such as "come here", "give it back" or "give it to me") WITHOUT your using gestures? Ahem, does he KNOW them or does he FOLLOW them? These are two very different questions. He SCREAMS whenever you take something away from him that he had/still wants, so momma hasn't really "experimented" with this task. First time to answer the dreaded "NOT YET" ...

6. If you hold both hands to support your baby, does he support his own weight while standing? Dangit, I don't know. Me: Sugar, hold C up and let's see if he supports his weight. Mister: Not while the doctor's RIGHT THERE. Crap. "NOT YET" ...

7. When sitting on the floor, does your baby sit up straight for several minutes WITHOUT using his hands for support? Yes! Awesome. And we're back in the game!

8. When you stand your baby next to furniture or the crib rail, does he hold on without leaning his chest against the furniture for support? When I STAND MY BABY UP!?!? Are you insane??? I spend every day trying to make sure he isn't in any POSSIBLE situation where he could sustain a head injury. STAND MY BABY UP?!?! Have you people lost your minds? "NOT YET" ...

9. While holding onto furniture, does your baby bend down to pick up a toy and then return to a standing position? I'll just skip a reoccurrance of my previous panic attack reaction of an answer and go straight to the "NOT YET" ...

10. Does your baby walk beside furniture while holding on with only one hand? Oh for heaven's sake. WILL HE?!? Ugh. "NOT YET" ...

11. Does your baby pick up a small toy with only one hand? Yes. Oh wait. Is he supposed to do it with two? Maybe that's what he does. Sometimes? Dadgummit I'm starting to sweat.

12. Does your baby successfully pick up a crumb or Cheerio by using his thumb and all his fingers in a raking motion? We're supposed to be giving him CHEERIOS?!? Freakin' A. "NOT YET" ...

13. Does your baby pick up a toy between the tips of his thumb and fingers? Phew. Yes. I'm starting to regain feeling in my hands.

14. After a few tries, does your baby pick up a piece of string with his first finger and thumb? Well, I don't know. We've been so consumed with giving him sharp objects to play with that we haven't given him the choking hazards yet. WHAT?!? Geez. "NOT YET" ...

15. Does your baby put a small toy down, without dropping it, and then take his hand off the toy? We are currently in a "banging things on other things" phase soooo ... "NOT YET" ...

Please note that this next section is called PROBLEM SOLVING. Just pointing that out. PROBLEM SOLVING. At nine months? Alright ...

16. Does your baby pass a toy back and forth from one hand to another? Yep. Check. SCORE. Next?

17. Does your baby pick up two small toys, one in each hand, and hold onto them for about one minute? Is this before or after he's banged them together? Sure. What the hay.

18. When holding a toy in his hand, does your baby bang it against another toy on the table? Oh heck yes. He's got this one DOWN. BOOYAH problem solving! Problem. SOLVED. Calm down momma ...

19. While holding a small toy in each hand, does your baby bang them together ("like patty cake")? Yes but I'm not sure he thinks it's ... we'll just go with yes.

20. Does your baby poke at or try to get a Cheerio that is inside a clear bottle (such as a plastic baby bottle)? The next time I decide to tease my baby I'll let you know. "NOT YET" ...

21. After watching you hide a small toy under a piece of paper or cloth, does your baby find it? Again, the next time I feel the urge to tease my baby. "NOT YET" ...

22. While your baby is on his back, does he put his foot in his mouth? Pssshhhhh. Oh yeah. He did that at like 4 months old. Bring it.

23. Does your baby drink water, juice or formula from a cup while you hold it? When you say DRINK, that infers actually getting some in his mouth, right? Poo. "NOT YET" ...

24. Does your baby feed himself a cracker or a cookie? Does his mommy GIVE him a cracker or a cookie? That's the real question here. FARFIGNUGEN . "NOT YET" ...

25. When you hold out your hand for a toy, does your baby offer it to you even if he doesn't let go? I'm not in the habit of taking toys from babies. "NOT YET" ...

26. When you dress your baby, does he push his arm through the sleeve once his arm is started through the hole? YES! YES! YES! He does do this! Ohmygosh I'm so excited!!!

27. When you hold out your hand for a toy, does your baby let go of it into your hand? Please refer to my non-habit of taking toys away from babies. "NOT YET" ...

And all at once, we were done. Phew. The Mister and I looked at each other with I'm pretty sure the same thought running through our heads ...

"Really? Are we on candid camera? Are we SUPPOSED to be doing these things at home with our child? DADGUMMITTYGUMMIT. Why didn't someone give us this sheet at the last appointment!?!? WE COULD'VE BEEN IN TRAINING!!!"

... and left carrying our happy, healthy (did I mention chubby and TALL!?!) baby boy, not really caring. We did get a few giggles together about it. Oh and of course, as soon as we got home he checked the majority of them off the list. Go figure. So parents of almost nine month olds, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! Watch out 18 month questionnaire, we're ready for you!!! (or we will be ... when we're 18 months old)