Apology.

Okay friends, I have an apology/confession to make.  For my lack of blogging.  To be honest?  I just haven't been motivated to.  Don't get me wrong, I have a beautifully full life with a sweet precious toddler who literally fills my days with joy, smiles and giggles.  I just feel like I'm boring now.  Like I have nothing to offer you but mundane updates about the every move that my boy makes.  Incessant pictures of him doing the mundane updates that I update you with.  And basically, BORE YOU TO DEATH.  And I don't want to do that.  Well, I don't want to do that to anyone other than my mom that is.  She would love it.

Another confession?  I'm having a hard time getting motivated to blog in general.  Why?  (Now it's about to get real personal up in here)  Because I went private.  And going private means not having a bunch of followers.  And?  I really liked that.  I'm just being honest here folks.  I liked the comments, I liked seeing that little followers number pop up, I LIKED feeling LIKED.  Narcissistic? 

I think so. 

I could sit here and make a ga-jillion excuses as to why that is.  I could explain that I was a chubby adolescent and was teased a large portion of my ages 10-14 year old years.  That my peers called me fat, ugly, worthless on a DAILY basis.  That it still affects my self esteem and messes with my self image.  And the fact that I had followers, whether or not they were people I knew or didn't, that would make positive comments?  Made me FEEL good.  Made me feel like I was worth something.  Basically like I walked into the cafeteria, the cool kids asked me to sit at THEIR table at lunch and then the captain of the football team asked me to the prom.

And that's not right.  Hence part of the reason I decided to go private.  A large part was for privacy purposes.  But this was also a big portion of it as well.

A few weeks back I prayed that the Lord would bring to light areas that were keeping me from drawing nearer to Him as well as areas in my life that He wanted me to change.  And this was one that was loud and clear.  There are certain times in my life I KNOW that the Lord is speaking to me.  This was one of them.  Because goodness KNOWS I for sure didn't want to do it.  But I knew I had to and did so pretty soon after.  He basically was saying "Katie, your blog, facebook, friends, family, WHATEVER does NOT give you self worth.  Does NOT make you "cool".  Does NOT satisfy any need that I can't.  I DO.  Me alone."  And He does.  SO much more than anything on the world wide web could.  Or anything else for that matter. 

So where does that leave me?  Well.  Not blogging.  Very much at all.  And that's something I need to wrestle with.  Because this isn't something I started to do (initially) because I had followers, or because it made me feel "cool", or because I had (have) a darling blog design.  I decided to do it because I love to write.  And make people laugh and smile.  Whether it's 500 people or 5 people, that shouldn't make a difference.  And whether I write about doing the same thing day in day out shouldn't either.  I'm still me.  I still have humor to share.  I still enjoy using this as an outlet for whatever I need it to be that day.

But most of all?  I love y'all for loving me enough to even care to read.  And I want to thank you for that.

So in the meantime I will pray to hear the Lord's voice, (something I never want to cease praying for) spend more time with Him and really make an effort to write more.

Thanks for listening if you've made it this far.  I sure do love y'all!